I think I may have overdosed on estrogen this weekend.
This past weekend, I spent Saturday and Sunday at a women’s retreat called True Beauty, leading the retreat with my Peer Ministry Team family. The name of the retreat was “True Beauty”, and during this time we explored the different aspects of beauty in our emotional, estrogen-filled lives. Between breaks filled with constant yelling of “Frozen” lyrics, breaking out in the Catholic dance to the Backstreet Boys’ ‘Larger than Life”, and praying the Rosary hand-in-hand with Mom at midnight, I saw girls experience something that some of them have never heard before; the idea that of course the media didn’t define them, but they didn’t define themselves either. Why?
Because we are human beings, not human doings.
I’m in three AP classes, I’m a drum major of the marching band, I run varsity track, I’m an active member of the youth ministry department at my parish, I’m an older sister, a wanna-be-saint, and very very passionate about very very many things.I pride myself in being (somewhat) efficient, I like to think that the words I type make some sort of sense, and I try to do my best in everything. But especially with my grades, it’s a huge struggle for me not to define myself by what I do.
Ever since I was little, I was a big worrier. I would give myself stomach aches over issues I wouldn’t let go, to the point where I’d be too stressed to sleep and too nervous to talk about my problems with anyone. Even today, as a junior in high school, I’m constantly comparing myself to others, especially academically. So when I kept getting C’s on my calculus tests this year, I was really disappointed in myself. I struggled to see past those grades, to remind myself that a person has far more value than a letter.
I’m going to repeat that.
This sentence has thirty-one letters. I struggled to see myself as more than just one of these letters that school placed on my head.
This weekend, I got a glimpse at an idea I’d forgotten too, especially as fourth quarter begins and the bomb of AP Testing has been officially dropped. While I refuse to be another causality, I also refuse to take these tests too seriously. Of course it’s important to want to excel and do my best, but there’s a limit, and Mother Theresa put it best:
“At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done. We will be judged by “I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat, I was naked and you clothed me. I was homeless, and you took me in.”
Math tests, weekly “phun phriday Physics” quizzes, and timed AP Language essays seem like really complex topics, but the basic idea of love and humility put those ideas to shame. I’m not a human doing, I’m a human being.And honestly, I’d rather be remembered for “being” than “doing” anyway; for being an example of love, being a witness to Christ, and being a light to a path that brings people closer to the meaning of life, which is love itself.
Right now, stop. Just stop. Do you exist? Are you? God is the “I AM”, because He just is. And if the God of the universe isn’t defined by anything but His love, then there’s no reason for us to believe differently about ourselves. The simple fact that you exist, that you “be”, is proof of God’s infinite love for you. Because I “be”, I know not only who I am, but Who’s I am; I am a DORK, a Daughter of the Risen King. And if that’s not where I find my true beauty, then whatever “beauty” I’m finding fails to be true.
Perpetually Beautiful 